100-Word Review: "Cars"

Welcome back to our ongoing series of movie reviews for the short-attention-spanned. If you can't wrap it up in 100 words, who wants to read a thousand?

Cars
Starring: Paul Newman, Owen Wilson, Bonnie Hunt, Cheech Marin
Directed by: John Lasseter, Joe Ranft
Written by Dan Fogelman, John Lasseter, Joe Ranft, Kiel Murray, Phil Lorin and Jorgen Klubien, based on a story by John Lasseter, Joe Ranft and Jorgen Klubien
Released by: Walt Disney Pictures
Theatrical Release Date: 06/09/2006
Run Time: 117 min.
Rating: G

We've been seeing trailers for Cars for almost two years, and this is the payoff?

How much is Disney paying for such good reviews of such a mediocre film? I expect so much more from Pixar.

How many storytelling no-nos? I wanted the main character to get smashed into a junkyard cube from the start. All the character development was dependent on long scenes of exposition. Most of the supporting class were nothing but ethnic stereotypes. Every plot detail was telegraphed from a mile away. And it's twenty minutes too long for kids.

Where's Brad Bird when you need him?